February 16, 2012

The Top 11 Reasons Why the Amish Will Rule the World in 2078 AD

[Disclaimer: The following is a product of what happens when I find myself in the following situation: too much caffeine + too little food + too much free time = blog!]

Recently a friend posted this status on Facebook:

Oh great, so even when you try and be healthy...apparently a new study shows that brown rice soaks up naturally occurring arsenic from the soil. So those great products with even organic brown rice and/or syrup (baby food, energy bars, etc) could be delivering high levels of arsenic to you/your baby. They recommend that you vary your diet if you eat a lot of rice. (sigh)

To that I replied the following:

...just one more reason why the Amish will rule the world some day since they grow their own food (self-sustaining = survival of the fittest). Lol!

That got me thinking. I mean really thinking. BIG time. Mostly because I absolutely DO believe that the Amish, specifically the Lancaster, Pennsylvania Amish (because that's my childhood home) have got it all right. As my husband so kindly put it one time when asked by his mother what the Amish believe in, and I quote "They believe in the 5 Fundamentals of the Amish Faith: Friends, Family, Food, Fellowship, and Fun." Although that was instantaneously fictionalized for his mother's humor (upon which his presentation was so smooth that she actually DID believe him for a few moments), he hit the nail on the head as to why the Amish are natural, and hidden, leaders in our society.

So the following is a humorous list of reasons of why I think the Amish will rule the world some day, based on my simple rule of self-sustaining = survival of the fittest = power.

While the rest of America's melting pot is dependent upon the government and Hollywood, the Amish secretly and humbly turn their backs on us weaklings (while chuckling to themselves) and prove to us that they know how to live.

Indulge yourself...
Melissa's Top 11 Reasons Why the Amish Will
Rule the World in 2078 AD
1. The Amish have a zero percent divorce rate. While the rest of America is complaining about how their spouse isn't the same person they used to be or doesn't put his bowl in the dishwasher or hogs the remote or buys too many shoes, the Amish just deal with it. This leads to a successful family unit. Having a successful family unit family would help solve many of America's problems. Solving many of America's problems would help solve the rest of America's problems. Done and done.


2. The Amish are adaptable. Even though the majority of Amish are farmers, they know how to diversify talents as needed. When the farmland runs out, a group of them will decide to start a community somewhere else... Virginia, New York, Tennessee. They adapt. If Andrew and I were Amish, I believe we would try to start a community in Southern California-- obviously for the sun and surf. If an Amish person decided to stay put and not farm, then they just become an entrepreneur of whatever they feel like doing. This leads me to the next reason...

3. The Amish are the epitome of 'small business owner.' George Bush would be proud. Back in Lancaster, many Amish own businesses that sell handmade cabinets, quilts, brooms, jams, pies, hardware, dogs (sorry, Oprah, had to put that one in there), gas-run appliances, books, candles, whatever else tourists can be suckered into purchasing, etc. They mostly sell these to other Amish, and a few English too.


4. The Amish feed themselves. And boy do they love to eat that dense food. They grow their own corn, veggies, fruits, eggs (yes you can grow eggs... essentially), squeeze out their own milk. If they don't have an ingredient ,they either borrow from Neighbor Mary or hook up the buggy and go on a romantic date to Walmart.

Sidenote: Did you know that there are Amish "taxi" drivers? This is a movement that began in the mid 90s and usually involves a retiree that is well known in the community (aka my grandpa), an old  van, and lots of cash. The driver creates his route based on the needs of his customers. Along the way, they become friends which leads to instant-small-town business growth via Amish-word-of-mouth... which leads to lots of baked goods around the holidays. Brilliant.


5. The Amish are socially fulfilled. Believe it or not, they are. Amish are known to be quite cult-like and usually disengage from society. However, the Lancaster County Amish are quite different. They are a product of a chronic tourist industry and are now very intricately woven into the secular society. (Did you know that I have real Amish friends!?? And we've even taken beach trips together!) Because Amish are so tightly bound to each other, they can depend on their neighbors to get through happy and tough times. When your social network spans a tiny 4 mile circumference with your house as the center of it, you are forced to like those around you...VERSUS the average American who is socially starved even though he has a virtually infinite social network which spans the world and consists hundreds of Facebook 'friends'. Hmmm.


6. No shoes? No shirt? No problem. Although they do not wholeheartedly abide by Mr. Kenny Chesney's rule of no shoes and no shirt (or no shirt sleeves), the Amish will more often than not go shoeless. I used to be a server at a local Amish/Mennonite restaurant back in Lancaster(shout out to all my The Family Cupboard Restaurant peeps), and would often find myself serving pork and 'kraut to barefoot Amish customers. They especially enjoy bare feet when pushing their scooters down Route 340. But if you don't wear shoes, or if your only pair of shoes are Keds, you will never have to worry about the long-term consequences of wearing five-ince platforms. Also, you save money.
7.  The Amish secret policy of No Shave = WARMTH. This applies to the males and females. Its the true form of natural heat.


8. The Amish need not fear Y2K.  Like I've stated before, with no dependence on electricity, media, or the government, the Amish live worry-free. The only thing they have to worry about is whether Henry S. Lapp will start courting Susie this week or next.


9. The Amish supply the highest standard of organic and all-natural. Whether this means not adding preservatives to the shoofly pie, or maintaining natural hair grease, the Amish virtually trademarked 'organic'. Whole Foods has nothing on them.


10. The Amish are trendsetters and are quite the style icons.  Before Portland even knew what emo was, the Amish already claimed it. I'm sure we are all familiar with the 'emo' movement by now. Just think of your local tween: dark skinny jeans, black converse, long shaggy hair, suspenders. The emo trend began in the early 2000s in the music scene. This was most likely meant to rebel against the popular baggy, grunge, heavy metal style of the 90s. However, even though emo started out as alternative, it has since moved on to pop culture, no thanks to Hot Topic and Forever 21.

Back to the Amish being emo. Dark skinny jeans? Check. Long, greasy shaggy hair? Check. Black converse? Check (Amish boys love skater shoes and yes, I've even seen them rock the all black converse). Shaggy facial hair? Check. Suspenders? Check. A bit smelly? Cool hats? Way cool cape dresses? Check. Check. Check. See for yourself...

I mean, you tell me who is who... Which one is a popular musician? Which one just came in from the barn? Which one is modelling a runway designer?? Did you notice how I was able to slyly fit in my biggest celebrity crush in that lineup? Looks like the lines are pretty blurred. It's not just the Amish guys, either....
Looks pretty confusing to me. I think this last photo sums it up perfectly: The Amish ARE fashionistas.
9. Also, the Amish are quite prevalent in Hollywood
  • To meet 'The World's Squarest Teenagers' airing on Channel 4, go here
  • To witness the Amish leading the reality television front in 2004 with 'Amish In The City', go here.
  • To witness one of my favorite movies of all time, 'For Richer or Poorer' starring Kirstie Alley and Tim Allen, go here.
  • To watch 'The Witness', one of the most well-known Amish-themed movies starring Harrison Ford, go here.
  • And don't forget all the Beverly Lewis Amish romance novels! Middle-aged women fall for them like nothing else!
10. The Amish know how to have fun. Whether its participating in a local softball league, having a chicken barbque or yardsale, playing donkey baseball, or digging in the dirt... they are easily entertained.
11. The Amish know how to make money off of themselves. So check it. The Amish have helped Lancaster become well-known for its mega tourist industry. People come not to see how cool Old Town is, but to catch a glimpse of an Amish person, or maybe even... gasp... talk to one. The Amish are different enough that the public will actually pay to see them... tourists pay to take buggy rides, to stay in local hotels for weeks at a time, to eat Amish food! The Amish don't have to do anything except do what they normally do. What an easy life. I mean, who else is different enough, weird enough, stands out enough that millions of people will want to pay big bucks to see them? None other than Lady Gaga herself! That's right! She may as well be Amish. For someone to be unique enough that people will slave their life away during 40-hour work weeks in order to spend that hard-earned money to catch a glimpse of her?? Well, that is brilliant, my friends. A great marketing scheme!

Funny side note: I went to high school with Lady Gaga's boyfriend. Not just any school, but... a Mennonite school! Gaga has been spotted in Lancaster a number of times and rumor has it she's even buying a house there. 

See... I was right about how close Gaga and the Amish really are.

NOW do you understand where I am coming from?
NOW do you see why the Amish (and Gaga) will rule the world, whether they want to or not, in the coming days?

2078 is coming soon, people. Step up or ship out.

I thought I would leave you with one final delight. This is a picture of me (right), and my good friend, Joy, in my former Amish days. Enjoy.
.with hope.
.with love.


  1. Love, love, love it! Girl, you rock! I love your writing style!

    Love ya,
    Aunt Ra Ra

  2. You my friend are right on...Great read..Thanks for the shout out....