October 3, 2010

In Memory of Me

so i was rearranging our lovely bookshelves last night and randomly flipped open a book that looked familiar. i began reading, not the printed words, but the all too familiar, hand-written words... the ones in pencil on the cover page.

apparently i had written this journal entry (yes, on the cover page in a random book) during my two tumultuous years of long-distance dating. andrew and i had finally lived in the same town for six months (the longest we had ever been around each other at that point). this was written after he went away... again... to go finish his undergrad.

you know that sick feeling way deep in the pit of your stomach?? maybe it comes when you lose someone, whether by distance or death?? (if you've ever been in a long-distance relationship then you don't need any other explanation.) well, that's what i was feeling when i authored this piece. keep that in mind as you read.

here's a bit of me.


"oh, here she goes again. feeling that same old empty feeling.
tears welling up. streaming. frustrated. MAD. letting her emotions break forth.
it needs to happen. she knows not to dwell. but everything in her wants to.

he's gone again. life was great, near perfect. she was fulfilled! but that heavenly feeling, no, experience, is two weeks in the past now. once again she feels longing for the one she cannot embrace in this moment.

the memories themselves are just about enough to make her go crazy. being miles away from his loving gaze, from his physical being, from his goofy friendship-- it does nothing for her.

the memories themselves--- being miles apart from him, wondering if he is still sleeping, or in class. wondering if he is thinking about her all the time (she thinks about him all the time), wondering if he's spending time with other girls.

now jealousy.

knowing that he has a life without her kills her inside. it makes her want to puke- to gag until it hurts. she does feel pain. you would think that she'd be used to distance between them.

she is.

she is so used to it that its like he was never even living her life for those six months.

six months wasn't enough for her.

she needs him.

she has so much pain dwelling inside- past hurts,
the loss of loved ones,
the stress of school,
the l o n e l i n e s s.
oh the loneliness.

if only she could get past her moral failings.
if only she could learn not to feel loneliness.
if only she could stop trying so hard.
if only she could find YOU again.
she needs YOU, lord.
reveal yourself to her.

reveal yourself to ME."

. . .

.with love.
.with hope.

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